i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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