the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
