Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
be right there i have to get my cape
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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