I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
I need to calm my uterus...
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
