well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Randomize
