I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Randomize
