I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
