I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Randomize
