youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
Last day of classes. 1st day attending every class. I'm proud of myself
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Randomize
