I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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