it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
