i'm signing you up for texting rehab
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
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