listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
