I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
Randomize
