He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
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