You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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