she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
