Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Randomize
