Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
