I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
