he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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