I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
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