I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize