wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
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