he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
it was like having sex with a tree stump
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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