does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
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