So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Randomize
