so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
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