the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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