batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
i think i just naturally attract stoners
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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