Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
