dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Randomize
