Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
