I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Randomize
