my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
