I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Randomize
