I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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