You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Randomize
