I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize