dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
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