Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
