I tried watching the view, i got through 8 minutes. That is probably a world record.
They always sound like a bunch of chickens.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
We just shotgunned beers for America
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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