So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
