I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
it wasn't lemon gatorade
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
