the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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