Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Randomize
