I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
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