I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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