It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
