so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Randomize
