She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
