After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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