just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
Randomize
