Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
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