At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
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