some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
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