history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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