Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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