Your favorite bartender is back from prision
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Randomize
