Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Randomize
