Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
