new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize
