i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Randomize
